Tag Archives: bad decisions

Break Up Sex and 2 other sexual encounters to stay away from

7 Mar


I beg to differ

Well...now that you mention it...

This is in response to a post I read by a friend and the suggestion that I write about the dangers of break-up sex after I failed to read the title of her blog correctly.

We all make bad decisions, right?  Getting that Diddy ‘fro-hawk.  Wearing leggings as pants.  Taking that third serving of pasta Primavera.  Giving your number to the slightly creepy guy/girl who will ultimately end up calling you five zillion times a day, tattooing your name on their neck, and slashing all four of your car tires.  Sometimes we really don’t understand the full implications and consequences of our actions.

Sometimes we do.

There are some decisions that we make knowing full well that they are wrong and will leave us sad, confused, embarrassed, and hurt in their wake.  You can always get your haircut if you decide that you want a ‘fro-hawk (though you can never get me to stop judging you), but there are some things that don’t resolve themselves as easily, or at all.  There are a ton of them that I could list, but I’m only going to focus on 3 of them.

1. Break Up Sex
You know…you’d think this would be pretty obvious, right?  Do not have sex , i.e. continue a physically intimate relationship, with a person with whom you have decided to cut off emotionally intimate ties.  Well, you’d also think it’d be pretty obvious not to sleep with total strangers (see #2), but some people do not ascribe to any logical thought processes. 

There are people who rave about break-up sex.  Songs have been written about it.  I don’t get it and neither have I ever engaged in it.  However, being that I am a female with female friends, I am well versed in the damage (collateral and otherwise) that break up sex causes.  On the surface, I guess I understand the appeal of break-up sex.  You ex is a person with whom you have chemistry and sexual compatibility.  You know what s/he likes and s/he knows what you like.  It’s convenient to your illogical mind and and you have managed to convince yourself that this act eases the emotional hurt of a break-up by allowing you to wean yourself from your former flame instead of quitting cold turkey.  Besides, you guys can still “be friends.”¹  Or some such malarkey.

What I’m amazed by is the fact that people are completely willing to overlook the fact that they decided to terminate the relationship JUST so they can have sexual gratification.  Hello!  You broke up with said ex for a reason; it had to be a good one, otherwise you’d still be together².  All things considered, such as the way the relationship came to an end (cheating, physical/emotional abuse, transsexual strippers named Caramelody lying), is it really worth five minutes of sweating and straining with someone you recently decided to remove from your life?  Just make it a clean break.  There’s no need for the extra emotional baggage (because I am a FIRM opponent of the idea of “no strings attached” sex) caused by continuing what is essentially a dead relationship – especially if you were on the receiving end of the break-up.  I have no statistical data to prove this whatsoever, but I would bet my firstborn than the overwhelming majority of people propositioned FOR break-up sex are the ones who were broken-up WITH.  Would you continue to work at a job that just fired you?  Then why would you have sex with the person who just dumped you?  Again, I don’t get it.  I could get a whole lot deeper with that, but I still got more points to make.

2.  Random Hook-ups with Strangers
Do I really have to explain this one?  Well…apparently so.  While everyone fantasizes about getting your Clarence Carter on with a sexy, mysterious stranger, we all need to realize that fantasies only come true in movies and books.  What usually happens is a night of awkward, drunk sex that you can’t even remember, except for your sore back³ and the inexplicable hickey in the middle of your forehead.  And let’s not forget rolling over to find the creature from the black lagoon in your bed.  Drunk goggles are a mother, and I say that because it seems that the overwhelming majority of random hook-ups involve alcohol.

Forget the obvious consequences, like STDs and inadvertent blindness pregnancy, there are more subtle consequences.  Shame can wreak havoc on the psyche.  There’s something really hurtful about the humiliation of having abased yourself to allow a complete and total stranger the privilege of intimate contact with you.  Unless you are a truly depraved person, or one who has been jaded into emotional apathy, there’s no way that you can escape a random hook-up with a stranger unscathed, even if no one else knows about it.  Trust.

3.  The Homie Hook-up

**the author takes a moment to set up several flashing hazard lights and to position the speakers playing dramatically ominous music.**

This is the worst of the two aforementioned sexual encounters because it:

A.  Has the potential to create a tense, toxic environment in an otherwise healthy platonic relationship, which may lead to- 

B.  The abrupt end of a mutually beneficial friendship that would’ve lasted until one of you got married had you just left well enough alone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…some people start off as friends and become lovers and live happily ever after.  I don’t know any of them.  I do, however, know lots of people who slept with their best friends (sometimes not even friends that close) and regretted it, and by regret, I mean wish to God in Heaven that they had never ever EVER done such a stupid, insane, predictably moronic thing. 

What is to be gained by sleeping your friends?  A closer friendship?  An actual relationship?  Spare me.  I have a multitude of male friends, many of them closer to me than my female friends, and while I will not lie and say that I haven’t entertained the thought of bumping uglies, I have had enough willpower and sense to realize that the sex would not be worth it.  For starters, I am a very pragmatic person and the following conversation will inevitably happen:

HIM:  What’s wrong with you?  You stay mad these days.

ME:  What’s wrong with you?  I’m good enough to be friends with and to screw, but not good enough to date?  What’s up with that?

HIM:  Uh…

In keeping with the whole, “why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free” argument, I just fail to see the point or benefits 4 of marring a perfectly good friendship with sex.  I mean, if you’re that compatible, then just date.  Seriously.  It’s that simple.

So that’s all I have time/energy for.  Anybody else got anything to add?


¹I personally do not believe that it is possible to remain friends with an ex.  Well…I won’t say it isn’t possible – I’m sure it is – but it is exceedingly hard, depending on the way the relationship ended.

²Yes, I understand that some people break up for really bad, lame reasons.  Just indulge me here, why don’t you?

³And I don’t mean that good-good, he-beat-it-out soreness either.  More like the I-just got-ran-over-by-a-semitruck kind.

4 I detest the phrase “friends with benefits” along with the word “conversate.” UGH!